The Truth about Lily Potter
by Meknowenglish
Summary: What is the big secret about Lily Potter? Well, at least we can appreciate it won't be my version. Contains rude references, an impossible plot, and evil!Ginny.


[The trio is playing chess]  
  
Harry: (asserting) "Ron, you can't have three person chess. How 'bout we play monopoly?"  
  
Hermione: "Not a chance. I'm winning."  
  
Ron: (wild) "ARE NOT!"  
  
[Draco waltzes in]  
  
Draco: "What's wrong Weasley? Getting sour in the only thing you're good at?"  
  
Ron: "Quiet Malfoy! Or i'll hex your pants off!"  
  
Hermione: (blushes)  
  
Harry: (howling with laughter) "Do it! DO IT!"   
  
[Others in the common room look at Harry curiously]  
  
Ron: (apparently is encouraged) "HA!" (yells a series of jibbles and end up zapping off his own attire)   
  
Hermione: (laughs)  
  
Malfoy: (cracking a smile) "Hey, nice to see you too, Weasley."  
  
Ron: (breaks into a mighty rage) "That's it Malfoy!"   
  
[Ron runs up the fourth year dormitory and returns wearing a pink nightgown and carrying a book called 'Voodoo for Dummies']  
  
Ginny: "Ron, have you been in MY ROOM!"  
  
Ron: "Never mind it, Ginny." (opens the book in a business-like manner)  
  
Ginny: (eyes burn red) "Ronald, excuse me." (stalks out of the room)  
  
Harry: "Malfoy, why did you come here?"  
  
Draco: (holds out a jar full of a thick gray substance) "My father sent this to me."   
  
Harry: (eyes light up) "Jam? Is it jam?"  
  
Malfoy: (examines jar closely) "I don't think it is..." (opens jar)  
  
[Two grey bodies emerge. It is...the apparitions  
of Lily and James Potter!]  
  
Harry: (yelling senselessly) "WHY did you're father send you THAT!"  
  
Draco: (disturbed) "So I could see the look on you're face I suppose ---"   
  
[Draco dashes out of the room as McGonagall pounces at his heels]  
  
McGonagall: "C'mere here ye bloody scoundrel!"  
  
Priori Incantato Lily&James: (floating without a purpose)  
  
Hermione: "Why are you still here?"  
  
Priori Incantato James: "Good question! Uh, I believe Voldie forgot finite incantatum..."  
  
Lily: (blowing a wispy strand of hair from her eyes) "Right. If there's one thing I hate, it's that he can never do anything properly."  
  
Harry: (tearfully) "Mum..."   
  
Priori Incantato Lily: (crosses arms) "Yeah?"  
  
Harry: "...Dad."  
  
Priori Incantato James: (toothily) "In the flesh!" (Lily smacks him)  
  
[There is silence]  
  
Harry: (bawling loudly) "D-don't you want to s-say anything else to me?"  
  
PI James: (pondering) "Lesse...oh!" (face screws together as he drags Lily to his side) "Harry! There is something very important you must know about your mother!"  
  
PI Lily: "..."  
  
PI James: "Well, tell him!"  
  
PI Lily: (glares at James) "Fine.." (Sticks her finger in her eye) "Harry, my eyes, they're..." (she pulls her finger out of her eye dramatically with a thin glass on it) "they're really --- "  
  
Harry: "Gray?"  
  
PI Lily: (annoyed) "BLUE you idiot child, BLUE!" (mutters about a retention program)  
  
Harry: (scratches head) "They look mightily grey to me."  
  
[James floats away, wailing like a newborn that's been slapped across the bottom]  
  
Hermione: (interested) "You wear contacts?"  
  
Harry: (petulantly) "Are you my mother?"  
  
PI Lily: "Of course you dolt. Thomas was the one with the greens." (sighs dreamily) "I couldn't have been Mrs. Lily Riddle. (raises voice, craning her neck torward the door where James is heard crying) "What kind of name is Potter anyway!"  
  
PI James: (snorts suddenly) "Lily, POT her!" (guffaws jockishly)  
  
Hermione: "My, how lame." (James bursts into fresh tears)  
  
Harry: "Thomas...Riddle..." (screams and shrinks to the floor)  
  
Hermione: "So your dad's really Voldemort?"  
  
Harry: (gasps) "My dad is Voldemort!??" (screams again and begins to sob)  
  
PI Lily: (stalks off) "What did I do to the world to deserve a son who cries as much as his father..."  
  
[Ron bursts in]  
  
Ron: "I stole his JELLIES!"  
  
Harry: (pauses long enough to rub his eyes sulkily) "I want a jelly..."  
  
Ron: (swings little pouch of Bertie Botts) "OH YEAH!"  
  
Hermione: "What happened to the voodoo doll?"  
  
Ron: (faces away) "Ah yes...that was a bit of a mishap." (coughs loudly) "Harry, what s'mattter?"  
  
Harry: (beating the floor) "Voldie's my daddy!"  
  
Ron: (raises eyebrow) "Wait a minute -- *who's* your daddy?!"  
  
Hermione: "Ron!"   
  
Ron: (thinks a long while, his finger on his chin) "Hmm...you can have Draco's bertie beans."  
  
Harry: "Oohh...."(takes the beans and begins to sort them carefully) "Yellow, spotted maroon, peach, chocolate..."  
  
Hermione: "Who said OCD was a bad thing."  
  
[Draco returns, red in the face}  
  
Draco: "My JELLIES! Death to you, fiend!" (he tackles Ron)  
  
Ron: "Oh, the cycle of vengeance!" (begins to beat Draco back)  
  
[Ron and Draco tumble over Harry's beans]  
  
Harry: (stares at the ruined pile) "Oh..." (rolls into a ball, sobbing)  
  
Ron: (about to take the final blow) "HA! $%##% !#%@~"  
  
[Ron rolls over, his hand on his arm]  
  
Ron: "Ouwwwwwwww!"  
  
Harry: "Roooooooooooon!"  
  
Hermione: "Ginny!"  
  
[Ginny is on the staircase with twenty or so stitched miniature dolls]  
  
Harry: "She doin' voodoo!" (he leaps on Ginny)  
  
Ginny: "Harry? Wha---------ooooooooof!" (the dolls scatter everywhere)  
  
Harry: "Be you consortin' with the devil! (fists a few dolls) "Where'd thee get these poppets!"   
  
Ron: "Oh, nevermind it Harry. A chair just fell on me." (rubs arm) "That smarted!"  
  
Harry: "Oh good. These are really cute." (takes a doll by the shoulders and makes it dance)  
  
Ginny: (blinking) "But Harry, they are voodoo dolls."  
  
Harry: (alarmed) "WHAT? (gathers up the dolls) We must destroy them!" (goes to the fire)  
  
Hermione: "Harry, no!"  
  
A/N: As we all know, that was a grave mistake.  
  
  
  
  
A/N (again?) Ah...ahaha! The mystery about Lily Potter reavealed. Her eyes aren't really GREEN! *pause* The rest is gibberish though, so i'll guess i'll take a snooze.  
  
Disclaimer: No own HP, nor "The Crucible," vaguely mentioned. 


End file.
